So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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