of course. lets lasso hookers.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
