eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
My pussy is not your playground.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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