I looked at my own cervix.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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