How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
