this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
