When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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