The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
