Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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