Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
