My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
