new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
