there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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