I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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