She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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