I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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