I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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