dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
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