I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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