I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Who died my cat blue again?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
