Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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