Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
