Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
