Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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