Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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