you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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