My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
