Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
