So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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