Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
