I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
