I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
