It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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