barbara walters just said penis...
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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