she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
