In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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