I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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