I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
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