I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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