I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Drunk is not a location!
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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