Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
