I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
