I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
