Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
