why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
