The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
that may or may not have been my penis.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
