I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
