why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I touched a dick in church today
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
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