if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
