Apparently you make a good broom.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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