I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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