My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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